Surgery – Faith Over Fear

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Surgery he said. Another surgery – I need a minute.

The preparing, the mental preparation, the anticipation and the recovery. One can never be used to surgery – I can never get used to surgery, one can never feel at ease knowing they’ll be seeing yet another surgeon or specialist, one can never be used to going into that doctors office and explain what’s wrong. You can definitely can never get used to being seen, most of the time half naked, being written on, poked on, needles ready and all eyes focused on you. They’re ready to see you break down, they’re ready to comfort you and they want to see your reaction. One can never be ready to be told, “it’s time” and have a team of unknown medical professionals wheel you in the operating room. The operating room, such a cold place – why’s it so cold, so unwelcoming, full of devices, beeping sounds all around, people with masks trying to make you feel comfortable, but how?! How do you feel comfortable, it’s cold and it’s the unknown – all over again. It’s happening all over again.

The surgeon called me last week and said, “results came in, good news, it’s benign, but it needs to be removed, when’s surgery good for you?” Once again, I felt alone, cold and afraid of the unknown, but why, I’ve been down this road countless times – too many to count. Either that or I’m just embarrassed to write the number down. In my short years, I’ve met my share of doctors, surgeons, nurses, hospital rooms and operating rooms. I’ve felt my share of needles, had my blood drawn plenty of times but am still uncomfortable. The hospitals make me feel uncomfortable, but it’s during these times when you leave it all in His hands and allow it all to be left up to the doctors. No matter how many times I’ve been down this road, I can never get used it.

Faith over fear knowing that my heart and soul will be at peace knowing that this is my journey. My journey, my story to. There’s no one stronger than you, no one with unique health circumstances.

This makes you special – I am special because I am 1 in 1,000 due to Chiari and it reminds me to slow down and live at the moment.

Have a wonderful night.

A-

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38 thoughts on “Surgery – Faith Over Fear

  1. I understand that so much and I really feel your struggle. There was a time my two oldest cared for me as I was bedridden for three months. My nervous system started to shut down and my weight dropped to 90 pounds but God was greater and brought me out of it! He is with you dear One. Gentle hugs.🙏❤

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  2. I think surgery is just worse because it’s so time consuming. It’s not in and out. It’s pre-surgical appointments, unknown factors being put under, the cold (to keep bacteria at bay) and just the experience. My last surgery was in September and if I never have another one (unlikely) it will be too soon. Glad your results were benign. One day at a time.

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  3. Chiari has knocked me on my butt but like you it has changed my perspective. The little things matter more. Each good day is met with an eagerness like none other. Bad days, well they are forced rest that us zipperheads need all to often. Thankful it’s benign, sorry you have to have yet another surgery.

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    1. Thank you Julie! Yes, this Chiari nonsense is as frustrating as it is a blessing. I think I take it too far also, if I’m waking up slightly better than yesterday, I’ll over do it. And by over doing it, I mean doing the everyday anyone else would be doing – cleaning, doing laundry etc. And at night my body shuts down and I feel like death is nearing in. The pain becomes unbearable. One day at a time. That’s all we can do – and patience. 😊🙏🏽

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      1. My family always asks why I overdo it when I’m feeling good. Well because I live daily like you never knowing what tomorrow holds. I swear it is exhausting waiting for the anvil to drop . Take care and take it easy.

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      2. Well I’ve gone from full time 8th grade public school to full time small private school to two days a week starting next year. Just couldn’t do it anymore. Too many factors. You never know. I may wind up subbing if the other doesn’t work out.

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  4. Wishing you a speedy recovery. And I really do hope you enjoy your vacation. I am sure you will be able to face anything afterwards. You are so strong and brave and have wonderful supporting children 🙂

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  5. I’m so glad it’s benign, but I’m sorry you need surgery. You are such a strong, inspiring mom. I’m really fortunate that I stumbled across your blog. My Chiari journey has just begun, but reading yours has given me hope that I’ll be alright & can still be the mom/woman I want to be.

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    1. Thank you! I’m so sorry to know you have Chiari. Yes, have hope that you have the strength to make through each day. Unfortunately there’s no cure for this. I think it’s tough as a mom to think we must be ok for everyone around us. It’s also ok, to not be ok too, to have a good cry and to need someone to talk to. I’ve had my share. I’d love to know more about your journey with Chiari. I’m so grateful for this WP community. I’ve met a few Chiari warriors and survivors. They’re phenomenal – we are phenomenal.

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      1. Yes, this is all pretty new to me. I reached out to you by email at the end of May & you sent me some resources and gave me some advice. I really appreciate it! I will start sharing my journey with this on my blog once my family knows. (Long story! Lol!). Writing helps…

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      2. So sorry – I’m feeling like Dory these days! I know the feeling far too well. But try to gather the strength to tell them. Yes, they can’t change the diagnosis, yes they can’t physically do much, yes they won’t understand fully what you are going through mentally and physically – heck I’m 5 years into this thing and I still feel my family doesn’t understand! But they will be your support system! Yes, writing is so therapeutic – and free! 😊🙏🏽

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  6. I am so very sorry Ana………….surgery is so terrible and having been through it before you already know too much. I am so thankful it is benign………..and I will pray for complete and speedy recovery.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, so thankful it’s benign, if there’s ever a bright side, that is it! But I still have no words. We can never get used to hearing that dreadful word. Survey. There’s never a good time for it. So, unfortunately we had already booked our summer vacation and I would really not like to cancel. The children are so understanding of their mom being sick all the time. I’ve waited this long, a month won’t be too much. I want to be able to go on this vacation with them and come back to face this head on – as I don’t know how recovery will be. I would like to say, I have a high pain tolerance. I think it’s a combination of pain meds, God and my children. 😊💛

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      1. since it is benign they should be just fine with you waiting until after vacation. hopefully the vacation can wear the kiddos out and then you can brave this head on. again, I am so sorry you are having to go through another one.

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      2. Yes, I just don’t want to cancel it for them. They’ve been such brave little souls helping me through everything. We all go through it together as one. Thank you Wendi! I appreciate your words and supports, more than you know. 🙏🏽💛

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    1. Thank you, yes, we’re in control. But this is inevitable. I’ve been focusing on other health issues/areas, this one has been on hold for a while, medication isn’t working and symptoms are getting stronger. It’s time. 🙏🏽💛

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