Surgery he said. Another surgery – I need a minute.
The preparing, the mental preparation, the anticipation and the recovery. One can never be used to surgery – I can never get used to surgery, one can never feel at ease knowing they’ll be seeing yet another surgeon or specialist, one can never be used to going into that doctors office and explain what’s wrong. You can definitely can never get used to being seen, most of the time half naked, being written on, poked on, needles ready and all eyes focused on you. They’re ready to see you break down, they’re ready to comfort you and they want to see your reaction. One can never be ready to be told, “it’s time” and have a team of unknown medical professionals wheel you in the operating room. The operating room, such a cold place – why’s it so cold, so unwelcoming, full of devices, beeping sounds all around, people with masks trying to make you feel comfortable, but how?! How do you feel comfortable, it’s cold and it’s the unknown – all over again. It’s happening all over again.
The surgeon called me last week and said, “results came in, good news, it’s benign, but it needs to be removed, when’s surgery good for you?” Once again, I felt alone, cold and afraid of the unknown, but why, I’ve been down this road countless times – too many to count. Either that or I’m just embarrassed to write the number down. In my short years, I’ve met my share of doctors, surgeons, nurses, hospital rooms and operating rooms. I’ve felt my share of needles, had my blood drawn plenty of times but am still uncomfortable. The hospitals make me feel uncomfortable, but it’s during these times when you leave it all in His hands and allow it all to be left up to the doctors. No matter how many times I’ve been down this road, I can never get used it.
Faith over fear knowing that my heart and soul will be at peace knowing that this is my journey. My journey, my story to. There’s no one stronger than you, no one with unique health circumstances.
This makes you special – I am special because I am 1 in 1,000 due to Chiari and it reminds me to slow down and live at the moment.
Have a wonderful night.