Dear Ex – A Letter

‘The Angry Therapist’ with John Kim – a therapist, is a podcast I follow. I appreciate listening to his honest opinion from his point of view. A great podcast to follow. He also has great content on his Instagram page – follow him there as well.

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I’ve been wanting to share this one for a while and have finally allowed myself to be untied and unbothered by the what if’s of people and this often judgmental world. I tend to overthink things, what people will say, what the ‘ex’ will think, what, what and what. And in sharing this, this is not to ‘stir the pot’ as they say, or dig into something that’s been left in the past. This is for me, no one else, but me. Also, hoping that you can see yourself in this, and can find comfort in this, or if you know someone that can benefit from this letter, so that you may share it as well.

This episode is titled, ‘Dear Ex, I have something to tell you.’ As he mentions, people have feelings for their ex’s – often ill and don’t know how to move forward. Maybe you’re looking for closure – that’s for a whole other post, for now though, here’s a letter to the ex, letting them know – in a healthy way, that you’re ready to wish them well.

‘Dear Ex, I Have Something To Tell You’ episode from

‘The Angry Therapist’ podcast with John Kim

Dear Ex,

Can we share a moment, a new  one? With nothing attached, forgetting everything we were and why things didn’t work. Releasing all judgment and what if’s. Can we share a moment, just one, where I can see you now – today, as a human being minus expectations, ideas of love, what went wrong and the crumbled check list we had peaking from our back pockets. Can we share the fears before we kissed because those felt real. Can we just be without labels, or dissecting dynamics. For one moment, can I experience you without us. Not to spark or reignite anything but to be reminded that we are nothing more than two people who ran towards something they felt but fell. With scrapped knees and a half smile, can we could just look at each other and laugh, knowing we were fools, but also stood on courage, we believed in something and even if it was short lived, that belief is what love is about, not the promise. Can we share a brand new experience based on what is, because the world doesn’t believe we should, because we’re suppose to close our hearts and look straight ahead waiting for someone new, as if love runs out. Because I miss you before we were we.

* This letter doesn’t mean that … I want to be with you again, this doesn’t mean that I want anything from you. This means that I see you as a human being and I acknowledge what we went through and I’m sorry for the pain. This means that I’m letting go of anger, resentment, and things that I’ve been holding on to. This means that the moment that I want to share with you may not be in real time, but it can be now as you’re listening to this. And as you’re listening to this maybe you’re thinking the same thing and if you are, then that’s all I want. Can we respect each other as human beings. Can we know that what happened wasn’t intentional but came from a place of truth at the time and there’s no more bad feelings. There’s no more anger. And I forgive you. And I hope you forgive me. And this doesn’t mean that we need to see each other again. This just means that we shared a bed and that means something. And this means that, just because we are not in each others lives anymore, doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you, or I’m not thinking about you. Not in a way that I want a round two, or a round three, or a round four. In a way that I see you as human and I’m throwing love at you.

Happy Wednesday.

A-

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My Life With Medicine – The Chronic Pain Truth

When you’re living with chronic pain, medicine is a part of your life. The year is filled with doctor visits, follow-ups, tests, prescriptions and refills. The medicine helps relieve some of the pain. That sharp pain, the pain that takes your breath away – and not like in the fairy tale books. This is the type of pain that stops you in your tracks and makes you close your eyes in pain and at times brings on those silent tears. The ones that no one other than you knows about. You’re unable speak and find yourself closing your hand in a fist – from the pain. After a few minutes, that intense pain is gone. And you think, “I’ll take my medicine to help me get through the next one.” And I do.

Laurynas Mereckas

I take the concoction that the doctor thinks will truly work this time! He say’s, “take these two in the morning, this one for nausea, this one for vertigo and these 2 at night.” I see him on my next visit and tell him, it’s a go! It’s working, the combination that we’re trying is working!

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And because nothing is perfect, nothing comes without a ‘cost,’ I tell him about my side effects. The medicine although helping relieve the pain, discomfort, aches and the daily needle like pain, the side effects take time to accept. All medicine have side effects and that’s the truth. And my medicine, are for the most part, muscle relaxers. If you recall, what I have is all in the nervous system – the brain and spinal cord. These muscle relaxers cause a ‘sedation’ type effect on your body. It brings on fatigue and weakness, which in turn cause me to feel extremely tired.

It’s a feeling of having not had slept in a long time. That sleep that causes you to close your eyes while speaking to someone – oh but you don’t intend to be rude! You just can’t help it! And you sleep and sleep and sleep. Because the sleep is what removes you from the pain and for short periods of time, you’re taken to a place where you are in pain no more.

In turn for taking my prescription medicine …

I feel left out,

Alone and afraid,

Like a bad mom, wife,

Like I can’t keep up with life or my kids.

It’s caused me to …

lose friendships,

give up friendships,

cancel, and

feel frustrated.

Yes, it’s true! You take something on to then give up others. You give up the life you once knew, for the life that’s been handed. The new cards. The new circumstance. The life with chronic pain.

A-

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I Love Myself But … There Needs To Be A Change

I recently watched the Academy Awards in which the movie Parasite took home multiple wins. With the movies South Korean director Bong Joon-ho taking the win for ‘best director.’ If you’re familiar with my background, I have Korean descent. So, it should be no surprise to know that I was incredibly excited for the wins the movie received. I haven’t seen the movie, but am looking forward to watching!

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In his speech the Parasite director said how one of his biggest influences has been Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese (‘Goodfellas,’ ‘Casino’) is only an incredible American film director, writer to name a few, to which we can place next to directors like Quentin Tarantino (I mean ‘The Hateful Eight’) – just brilliant! In his speech director Bong Joon-ho mentions how one of Martin Scorsese’s quote influenced him when he was in school.

“The most personal is the most creative” – Martin Scorsese

Image result for Bong Joon-ho

The quote resonated with me because I like knowing – knowing more about people. Perhaps more than they are willing to share. I’ve realized that people don’t like to necessarily share too much of themselves – be too open. This ‘openness’ in my part has often times got me into trouble because when I see that a friend isn’t reciprocating my feelings towards our friendship, I like to end our friendship. I end it. I cut it. I cut the person out of my life. And here are my thoughts on this because as dramatic as that may seem, why should I continue to share so much of me, when they aren’t doing it themselves. Why don’t they share? Do you follow? It’s a one sided relationship, it’s a relationship with no foundation, no truth or meaning.

And here’s whats been ‘floating in my mind’ since hearing the quote.

I love myself but, there needs to be a change or say, continued change …

I must continue to change in order to grow.

I must continue to change in order to love.

I must continue to change in order to have more patience.

I must continue to change in order to have more understanding.

I can’t see a change in others, if there isn’t a change in me. The change begins here. The change begins with me.

And lastly, I will continue to be personal because that’s where my creativity comes alive and I can relate and be personable with those I encounter.

A-

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Too Much Homework And How It Affects My Family

I read the news online before I even start my day. My alarm goes off at 6:00 am and I lay in bed reading the days news. And today was no different. However, today I wanted to share with you this article that was published about kids and homework.

I’ve had many moments where I question a few assignments and particularly Science projects and think how my son will benefit from knowing “How Long A Chocolate Bar Takes To Melt” in the real world. Our families mission is sit down for dinner and pray – daily. We’ve been able to accomplish that. However that’s not the issue at hand. Are we timing our day, looking at the clock as the minutes tick away from us, planning our next step, and thinking just how much homework the teachers gave this time – absolutely. In remembering my oldest daughters years in private school, she was being assigned such a workload that she began having bald spots in her hair. The pediatrician saying, it was due to stress – she was eight! Today things aren’t looking any brighter, you can find her still doing homework in the hours of 10:00 pm or up to 11:00 pm.

Your kids right. Homework is pointless. Here’s what you should be doing instead.

I also read this morning this article published in 2016 – a Texas second grade teacher implementing a ‘no homework policy’ in her classroom. This article states how, ‘studies have found that students in the early elementary school years are getting more homework than recommended by education leaders.’ Here’s a copy of the letter the parents received that year from the second grade teacher.

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It's no homework, all year long for one group of Texas second graders.

As many of you know – and if you’re new here, hello and welcome, I have quite a tiny army. And if there’s anything more daunting than bath time, it has to be homework time. It’s a process, it’s a routine that must be managed with much care and patience. And if I’m even more honest with you, my schedule is done around homework, pediatrician appointments – yes, those too, around homework time! I try to make it so that the children aren’t overly exhausted by the time we all need to sit down and begin homework assignments, projects, etc. As to avoid any whining, meltdowns, borderline falling asleep on the table with pencil on hand moments and tears – from me, not them. I often think and joke that when the children graduate – I also graduate! Because parents work just as hard on the homework as the children themselves.

Here are a few key points from this mornings article that I found interesting.  

+ The ‘pointless’ homework issue isn’t new. The volume of homework given to children is increasing making it the ‘new’ issue.

+ One survey of 2,000 parents found that more than half of parents feel they are too busy to enjoy the fun of parenting.

+ If you are stressed and cranky and you have to get home and force them to do homework, it removes the sense that home is a supportive, loving place where you can connect.

+ “10 Minute Rule” 10 minutes of homework per grade. 10 minutes for first grade, 20 minutes for second grade, 12 grade up to 120 minutes. And Kindergartners aren’t recommended to get homework, today they are getting about 25 minutes a day of homework.

+ Fight for no-homework policies at your child’s school, push back against unrealistic homework assignments, particularly those that will cause unnecessary stress.

+ Gaining 30 minutes or in other cases even 2 plus hours makes a difference in the families well being and gives us the opportunity to remember why we had our children.

+ It’s absurd to insist that children must be engaged in constructive activities right up until their heads hit the pillow. Especially after spending six hours a day in school.

+ Children and parents need downtime. It’s not to say, downtime needs to be mindless, parents can cook, read and watch tv with their children and then discuss what they just read.

+ It’s best to grow skills – such as reading, that they find interesting, then to force them to work through worksheets, forcing them may backfire.

+ Best replacement for homework: a parent / caregivers attention. At school they operate as a herd and teachers can’t give them all the attention they deserve. At home they should be seen as the unique, individual, interesting and brilliant people they are.

The article has been thought provoking. Let me know your thoughts on the matter. As to my final thoughts, we need more ‘Mrs. Brandy Youngs.’

A-

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Note To Self For This New Year – 2020

How incredible that I’ve made it this far?! I want to start the month off by writing a few truths to myself and what version of me I want to be moving forward.

krystina-rogers-5aXEo-hGwU0-unsplash

In living with chronic pain there are always different feelings, one minute I’m tired, the next I’m happy, excited, the next I’m drained and filled with intense physical pain. So, as much as I can’t control nor predict how I’ll be feeling physically, I want to be a little more positive moving forward. It can be draining to feel as if I’m a walking ‘Debby Downer.’ Or am I just imagining that?! Perhaps I am – I tend to be a little dramatic.

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Note to self for this new year – 2020. Be honest with self.

+ Stop feeling sorry for your illness. Things happen, trust in Him that all will be well.

+ Yes. You are sick. Accept it.

+ No one’s judging you for your illness. They just don’t know better.

+ Take your medication, including your vitamins, they’re good for you. Less pain equals less mood swings.

+ Schedule your doctors appointments. It is for your well being. If not for you, for your family.

+ Take charge of your life.

+ Don’t make commitments. You can’t keep them. Not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t predict how you will feel.

+ Your children will admire your strength and determination to keep going – despite it all.

+ Stop wanting people to understand your illness. They don’t. And they won’t. And that’s OK.

+ People don’t understand the energy that it takes for you to be open to ‘doing’ things – accepting visitors etc. It’s OK.

+ Put your energy into those who matter.

+ Be patient. Patience will get you far.

+ Be loving with yourself. Love yourself. Your body will love you for it. The weight gain is minuscule to what really matters. THYROID equals your weight gain. No one is entitled nor deserves to know this. You do. And that’s enough.

+ You’re sick. Accept it. Once you do, you’ll see life differently and only then, will you truly begin to live.

I’m sure there are one or two things that may have slipped my mind. But for now, this is a good start. These truths are not to demean or shame myself, they’re to help me see who I am and who I’d like to be moving forward.

A-

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Birthdays Call To Be Grateful

Another year, another day to feel incredibly blessed and grateful. It can be so easy to see the negatives, to see that things don’t go as ‘planned,’ as I’d like, as I wish they could be. But the storm doesn’t come in vain. It comes to teach lessons we may not see right away – in due time instead. It comes so that I may practice patience and love.

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And can I just add, thank you, your  patience with my being absent from this amazing community – for what feels like forever, is appreciated. Thank you!

A quick run down, my son that is in the spectrum / autism is growing up and while I am incredibly blessed to see his growth, it also comes with it’s challenges. My 5 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with Dyslexia, something that didn’t come as a shock, as I had already suspected she had it. If you have someone in your life with Dyslexia, I’d love to know more on it? Please share! And as for myself – well this mama is pushing through! Because He gives us grace to take on what would otherwise break us.

My final thoughts for today: Happy Birthday to this girl! To the one who continues to face challenges but refuses to let them define her, who’s carried SIX little ones when the professionals told her she couldn’t and to the one who refuses to give up!

YOU are AMAZING!

 

brooke lark

Happy Tuesday!

A-

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Chiari Is My Unwelcome House Guest

The past week has been a whirlwind. I’ve had my ups and downs and have been a ball of emotions. Last weekend I had to be taken to the ER due extremely intolerable symptoms due to Chiari and since then have had this week to recover at home from such events. Yes, I do take medication for many of my ongoing symptoms but when the medicine doesn’t do what it’s meant to help with, I progressively feel worse, and that’s when I take a trip to the ER. It’s no fun, it’s tiring and unfortunately I’ve been to my local hospitals ER more than I’d like to admit.

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While at the hospital though, I came to thinking about Chiari and what it means to me. I was thinking of what I can compare it to. I had so many nurses and a doctor come in to see me in my room and had no idea what Chiari nor Syringomyelia was. I don’t blame them though, the lack of knowledge and education on such a rare illness is seen too often, especially in the medical field.

I finally narrowed Chiari to this – that unwelcome house guest.

The one that refuses to leave no matter what signals you throw at it.

The one that has no remorse in overstaying their welcome.

The one that doesn’t shy away from being loud.

It has the worst timing!

It doesn’t care what day of the week it is.

It’s there and it isn’t looking like it has a departure date set.

If you have someone close to you that has chronic pain, lives with Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia or any other illness, the best thing you can do for them is educate yourself on the matter. It’ll mean more to them then you’ll ever know.

Happy Friday,

A-

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