I Love Myself But … There Needs To Be A Change

I recently watched the Academy Awards in which the movie Parasite took home multiple wins. With the movies South Korean director Bong Joon-ho taking the win for ‘best director.’ If you’re familiar with my background, I have Korean descent. So, it should be no surprise to know that I was incredibly excited for the wins the movie received. I haven’t seen the movie, but am looking forward to watching!

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In his speech the Parasite director said how one of his biggest influences has been Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese (‘Goodfellas,’ ‘Casino’) is only an incredible American film director, writer to name a few, to which we can place next to directors like Quentin Tarantino (I mean ‘The Hateful Eight’) – just brilliant! In his speech director Bong Joon-ho mentions how one of Martin Scorsese’s quote influenced him when he was in school.

“The most personal is the most creative” – Martin Scorsese

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The quote resonated with me because I like knowing – knowing more about people. Perhaps more than they are willing to share. I’ve realized that people don’t like to necessarily share too much of themselves – be too open. This ‘openness’ in my part has often times got me into trouble because when I see that a friend isn’t reciprocating my feelings towards our friendship, I like to end our friendship. I end it. I cut it. I cut the person out of my life. And here are my thoughts on this because as dramatic as that may seem, why should I continue to share so much of me, when they aren’t doing it themselves. Why don’t they share? Do you follow? It’s a one sided relationship, it’s a relationship with no foundation, no truth or meaning.

And here’s whats been ‘floating in my mind’ since hearing the quote.

I love myself but, there needs to be a change or say, continued change …

I must continue to change in order to grow.

I must continue to change in order to love.

I must continue to change in order to have more patience.

I must continue to change in order to have more understanding.

I can’t see a change in others, if there isn’t a change in me. The change begins here. The change begins with me.

And lastly, I will continue to be personal because that’s where my creativity comes alive and I can relate and be personable with those I encounter.

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‘I Look To You’

This morning while trying to get somethings done for my social media accounts, I decided to put on some background music. And I decided on this song, ‘I look to you,’ by the late Whitney Houston. I don’t normally work while listening to music, it’s really distracting and I get nothing done. My work area needs to be quiet and in order. But the calling was there, for me to go back to this song, and it lifted me.

I’ve been connecting with others with Chiari and although I’m grateful, it also tends to try to pull me down. On one hand I’m happy there others experiencing what I’m going through, but on the other, it’s incredibly sad to know there are others trying to get through their day with chronic pain.

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I get asked a few questions when someone realizes my diagnosis, and one that always sticks out is, ‘how do you do it?’ I understand because it’s almost dumbfounding to see this mother of six living with chronic pain. And there is no one answer, there is no perfect answer, actually there is no answer other than Him. He gets me out of bed when my body isn’t able to, He reminds me I am loved when I feel I’m a failure, He helps me take the steps when I’m in too much pain to walk, He holds my head when I feel it’s going to explode in pain, He helps me care for my children when I feel too ill, He reminds me to take my medication because He knows how much I dislike them, it’s Him, that’s how I do it – daily.

If you’ve never heard this song – or haven’t heard it in a while, I invite you to listen. It’s an amazing song, full of hope, because what you’re going through today you will get through by looking up to Him.

My favorite verse in the song, ‘After all my strength is gone, In you I can be strong.’ 

I Look to You
As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all
Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to
I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
Yeah
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you
After losing my breath
There’s no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door
And every road that I’ve taken
Led to my regret
And I don’t know if I’m gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head
I look to you
I look to you
Yeah
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
Oh yeah
And when melodies are gone
In you

A-

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Reblog Wednesday: A Six-Word Story — HappymessHappiness

There have been times when I’ve felt unworthy, unworthy of love – of being loved, unworthy of blessings, of happiness, simply unworthy. And then things happen, time passes and I realize that I too deserve happiness, I too deserve blessings on blessings. I remember that there is no perfect being walking on this earth and that I try. I try my best as a mother, wife, sister and daughter, and that I strive. I strive to be better and do better than I did yesterday. As this lovely post by Happymess Happiness so perfectly in just but a few words put it – ‘Even broken things can be loved.’ Indeed.

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So, if you feel defeated, lonely, unhappy, grieving, in pain – broken, just know that you too can be loved, broken and all.

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Even broken things can be loved.

via A Six-Word Story — HappymessHappiness

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Photo: Fancycrave / Unsplash